Orange County Buddhist Church
Orange County Buddhist Church
Resolving Relationship Problems
Perhaps the greatest and stickiest of problems to resolve in life are the problems dealing with human relationships, whether it be between a husband and wife, between a parent and child, between siblings, between friends, or between people at work. How can we resolve such difficult human relationships? Sometimes they get so strained that there is no or little communication. Sometimes both parties get defensive and even if they did talk to each other, no one is listening. Does Buddhism have something to say about resolving our interpersonal relationships? This month I would like to discuss the marital relationship.
Marital - What examples do we have from the Buddhist tradition in terms of resolving marital difficulties?
1. Shakyamuni Buddha - The historical Buddha may not seem like a very good role model for marital relations in the sense that Siddartha Gautama abandoned his wife and child at the age of 29. Without even saying goodbye, he left in the middle of the night on his spiritual quest. Years later, after attaining enlightenment, he eventually returned home. You would think that his wife, Yashodara, would have been furious. "How could you leave me all alone, with our son to raise, without even saying goodbye!" Maybe she was furious. We don't really know exactly her reaction. What we do know, however, is that Yashodara, their son Rahula, and Siddartha's father, King Suddhodana, all became the Buddha's disciples. His spiritual transformation must have been such that his family were compelled to become his disciples and followers. In that sense, the Buddha's enlightenment resolved his marital problem. His wife did not leave or divorce him, but immediately became one of his followers.
2. Shinran Shonin - Shinran was a revolutionary in the Buddhist tradtion in that he was one of the first Buddhist priests to openly marry and to raise a family. This has influenced the entire Buddhist tradition in Japan, to the point where other schools of Buddhism, who were primarily monastic, also now marry and have families.
There is an interesting story in regards to Shinran and his wife Eshinni. It seems that both of them regarded each other as Bodhisattvas of compassion. Once when I was speaking at another temple, I mentioned how Shinran's wife Eshinni looked at her husband as a Bodhisattva of compassion. A middle aged woman right away raised her hand and said, "Well, if I was married to Shinran, I could look at him as a Bodhisattva of compassion, but I could never see my own husband that way!"
I think however, that what is significant here is not just the greatness of Shinran that led Eshinni to feel that way about her husband, but it is a reflection of Eshinni's own spiritual understanding, of her own sense of humility. Someone who is arrogant could never look at their spouse as a Bodhisattva of compassion. Someone who is humble, however, stands at the very bottom, and is able to look up to all people in admiration, especially one's spouse.
Rev. Gyomay Kubose, in one of his articles in the book, Everyday Suchness, relates a beautiful story of a couple that he knew many years ago, a Mr. and Mrs. Tagara. Mr. Tagara was a most capable man, learned and skilled in many ways. It was difficult for his wife, Yoshiko, to be married to her husband. He always knew more about this and that and she suffered from always feeling inferior.
Mr. Tagara also felt that way about his friends. He was learned and didn't want to be bothered by his friend Mr. Yamada, who was not on his intellectual level.
One day, however, Mr. Tagara developed an eye disease and later lost his eyesight. Mr. Tagara, who had lived a so called "independent life", now was dependent on his wife, his daughter, and others to do so many things for him, like even leading him to the bathroom. Losing his eyesight led to a spiritual transformation of Mr. Tagara, such that one day he asked his wife, Yoshiko, to sit by his side. She was leery, wondering if she might be scolded about something. But Mr. Tagara said to his wife, "I realize for the first time what you have suffered for the past twenty years. I was so stubborn; I had such a superiority complex. For the first time I understand real kindness, the many services you did for me which I never appreciated before." They both hugged each other and cried. For the first time, they both understood each other.
Not long after that, Mr. Tagara's friend, Mr. Yamada stopped by for a visit. Before, Mr. Tagara had looked down on Mr. Yamada, but now, Mr. Tagara was so appreciative of the friendship and kind visit of Mr. Yamada. Mr. Tagara was a changed man. People would try to offer their sympathy and say that they were sorry he had lost his eyesight. But Mr. Tagara would say, "Don't say you are sorry about my eyesight. You should congratulate me. I have lost my physical eye, but I have found my mind's eye." (from Everyday Suchness, pages 49-52)
Mr. Tagara did more than resolve his marital problems. Mr. Tagara awakened to both his ego self, that was arrogant and condescending to not only his wife but to others, and he awakened to his true self, that realizes the deep sense of gratitude and respect for others.
Marital conflicts will never be truly resolved unless the individuals involved come to awaken to their true selves. Our normal response to this kind of statement is, "Yeah, I wish my husband/wife would wake up to their ego self! They are so self-centered. That's why we can't get along." However, in Buddhism, the most important thing is not for your spouse to get awakened, but it is for you yourself to get awakened. The person who must realize and awaken to their ego self is you yourself. That is the first step in resolving marital conflicts. Without such inner self-reflection, how could anything be resolved? You could leave or divorce your present spouse, and find someone new, but if you still live a life of the ego self, then there are bound to be new problems that will arise in that relationship as well. (to be continued).
Namuamidabutsu,
Rev. Marvin Harada
MAY 2008
