Orange County Buddhist Church
Orange County Buddhist Church
Resolving Life's Problems Through Buddhism: Self-Esteem Problems
This month I would like to continue the series of articles I have been writing on resolving life's problems through Buddhism. In this article I would like to address the issue of self-esteem.
If you have ever watched any of the daytime talk shows like Oprah Winfrey, Dr. Phil, or any number of talk shows, you hear a lot said about self-esteem. People will talk about how they suffer from a low sense of self-esteem and what they have found to help with their self-esteem problems. Some have stated that they have gained weight because of low self-esteem, or they have turned to drugs because of low self-esteem. Others have stated how exercising helps their self-esteem, or even how plastic surgery has helped them "feel better about themselves."
What does Buddhism have to say about such "self-esteem issues?"
First of all, I think that there are many people who honestly face self-esteem problems. Maybe they didn't have nurturing parents who praised or nurtured a positive sense of self in them. If they got a B, it was, why isn't it an A? If they made the Jr. Varsity team, it was, why didn't you make the varsity? If a child is never praised or encouraged for things they do, they could grow up with a very low sense of self esteem, which could lead to many psychological disorders like depression, anger management, etc.
I can remember being with a high school friend who in my mind was an outstanding student and person. He was a varsity athlete and an amazing musician as well in our band. I was riding with him once in his car and he had to pick up his dad somewhere and give him a ride back to the farm or something like that. From the moment his father got in the car, until the time he got out, he constantly criticized and harped on his son for this and that, right in front of me. I felt so bad for my friend, and wondered how he could be such an outstanding athlete and person despite having such a negative parent. Truly, many people grow up without being nurtured in a positive sense, and even worse than that may have an alcoholic or abusive parent that does cruel, mental and physical things to them.
In discussing the Buddhist perspective on self-esteem, however, we must first address the issue of, "what is the self?" In Buddhism, the deluded, false notion of who and what we are is the very source of all human suffering. We think we are an independent entity separate from others and the world around us. This "self" has emotions and feelings. This "self" is also very fragile, and its feelings can be easily hurt or shattered.
Rev. Kodani, of the Senshin Temple tells a wonderful story of when he took a course on Buddhism at Ryukoku University in which the professor called on him and asked him the simple question, "Who are you?"
He responded, "I'm Masao Kodani."
The professor replied, "That's your name, but who are you?"
"Uh, I'm a foreign student from America," said Rev. Kodani.
"That is what you are doing here in Japan, but who are you?" continued the professor.
"Uh, I'm a Nisei, a Japanese-American" replied Rev. Kodani.
"That is your ethnic background, but who are you?"
On and on, this line of questioning continued until Rev. Kodani could respond no longer. He could only respond to who he was in terms of his background, or his interests, or his activities. We would all answer in the same manner. But ultimately, who and what are we?
Buddhism challenges this notion of the self as an independent "thing" that we become very attached to. This "self" is what gets so upset when someone tells us that we have gained a little weight. This "self" gets upset when the police officer pulls us over and gives us a ticket for speeding. This "self" gets upset when someone tells us we aren't slicing the cucumbers right for the bazaar. This "self" becomes upset when our name is left off a donation list. This "self" is embarrassed when we go to a party and someone else is wearing the same identical dress that we are wearing. This "self" is humiliated when criticized in front of others.
The Vietnamese Buddhist Master, Thich Nhat Hanh uses a beautiful example of cookies and cookie dough to illustrate our false notion of our self.
Imagine that you are making cookies and you put all the ingredients like flour, sugar, shortening, etc. together in a mixing bowl to make cookies. You then place them on the cookie sheet and bake them. What happens if the cookies start to thinking very independently and say things like, "I am the prettiest cookie. I am the perfect color. You other cookies are too light or too dark. Stay on your side of the cookie sheet. This is my space!"
How ridiculous it would be if cookies began to think and speak like that. We know that all the cookies came from the same cookie dough, but yet some cookies are saying they are better or prettier than others.
What if some cookies thought, "I went to Harvard. I am a superior cookie. You cookies went to Junior college." Or, what if some cookies thought, "This part of the cookie sheet, this is the holy place of the cookie sheet. It is sacred and special."
Isn't that what is occurring in the world today? Mankind comes from the same cookie dough. We are all a part of an interdependent world of humans, animals, plants, the earth, the air, and everything. But yet, we say we are special, or that our ethnicity is special, or that this part of the earth (cookie sheet) is holy, and we will fight wars to protect it or take it back. We are no different than the cookies fighting on the cookie sheet.
Buddhism first awakens us to the deluded sense of "self." If we can awaken to and see beyond the "self" then aren't all "self esteem" problems resolved? How can a person who has gone beyond the deluded notion of the self be devastated by what people say or do to us?
The challenge is to awaken to the deluded notion of the self and to go beyond it. In Shin Buddhism, the Nembutsu, Namuamidabutsu, melts my small, ego self, and opens my heart and mind to my "true" self.
Namuamidabutsu, Rev. Marvin Harada
June 2008
